What’s it about?

A personal testimony about how God set me free after 38 years of serving what I thought was a life sentence wandering the corridors of the prison of my mind, what I called my spiritual Alcatraz. Brick by brick, bar by bar I built the individual prison cells that I lived in.

How did that happen? 

By first grade, I was already crushed by the lie that my birthday was a mistake. I convinced myself that I should never have been born. I regularly fantasized about jumping off the 325-foot Selah Creek Bridge in Yakima, Washington.

For 38 years I called God a liar and pushed His love away. I said “I am not who you say I am Lord.  I can’t do what you say I can do. You shouldn’t have gone to the cross for me.” So, I spent a lifetime running from and rejecting His love. I chased after everything but Jesus to find my identity.

Inadequacy and feelings of “not good enough” constantly tormented me. Abandonment and rejection strangled me. I desperately cried out to be loved deeply. But I had a giant black hole in my heart. A void created by the lack of identity and value. 

I tried to satisfy the hunger of that black hole by looking to worldly things to validate me. Things like showing off, trying to please others, and perfecting my physique. I clung to addictions like drinking, gambling, and pornography. 

I looked to achievements, awards and recognition for hope. I tried to hide and forget myself under jewelry, tattoos, long hair, trendy clothing, video games, movie characters and marvel heroes. The list was endless. And all of them never satisfied the black hole.

But I didn’t want people to see my struggle. I needed to show everyone how put together I was. I lived my life hiding behind a mask. Prancing around under the facade of everything is “OK”. When in reality I awoke each day crushed by the weight of my burdens. Each day I struggled to breathe under my blanket of sorrow. Each day the monsters in the black hole of my mind taunted me while I remained locked away as a prisoner in the dungeon of my mind.

Why would anyone want to write a book about that?  

I definitely didn’t wake up one day and say “I have an idea, let me write a book about all my dirt and struggles for the whole world to read.  Oh, and do it for fun”. The answer to the question was found in the three and a half year intimate journey I spent with Jesus. During that time, I truly learned about God’s unfailing love and His desire to set me free.  

But Holy Spirit revealed the bigger picture to me. Hearts wouldn't be won to Jesus by sharing a safe story. Only through transparency and genuine brokenness would people see transformational love and amazing grace. I didn’t want to do it, but I knew I needed to. I wanted to be free. I wanted to be healed. I wanted to be whole. 

My journey towards freedom began from the moment I was adopted from the Philippines at nine weeks old. I got honest and ugly before Jesus. I surrendered myself and let Him reveal to me every area in my life that needed to be healed.

What are the open wounds in your heart that Jesus wants to heal?